Congressional Collaborations Conquer Criminal Conduct

GRI’X (GXI): In a landslide victory, members of the 123rd Upper Wezzyde Brigade of Tourists who were Accidentally Elected into Congress (UWBTAEC 123) voted unanimously to pass into law a decree to make unlawfulness completely illegal.

Lunchcart (Bandwagon) (Staff artist’s rendering)

“The people have spoken,” chairperson Lucidia Lunchcart (Bandwagon) said today, from her significantly tall podium high atop the Equestrian Center of Pomposity in a press conference earlier today. “They are sick and tired of the growing threat of unlawful behavior in their beloved city.”

The cheerful crowd of nearly seven people responded with mild applause, shrieking whistles, uproarious laughter, horrific bouts of screaming, deliberate vegetable throwing, an occasional sneeze and four very distinct guffaws.

“Essentially, what the new law means,” the very lovely Miss Lunchcart (Bandwagon) told this fortunate reporter later in an exclusive interview over a pleasant meal of kippered fish heads and other savory delights at a well known outdoor café nowhere near Wezzyde, “is that anyone caught breaking any laws will face the full brunt of law enforcement officials.”

When asked just which instilled laws could possibly be broken in the first place, Miss Lunchcart (Bandwagon) replied that that those laws will be established sometime in the near future right after some holidays and vacations have been taken care of.

As it stands now the UWBTEAC 123 is not scheduled for another session for at least six or seven years, depending on the earlier vote some thirty years ago on permanent pension plans for early retirees. In fact, this was the first official session in twenty-six years.

“It’s a tough three or four hours of deliberation. A lot of the members are just getting back from tropical destinations and are very, very tired,” Lucidia said. “Plus, most of them are over a thousand years old so they wear down very quickly, thus needing lots of vacation time after such important and stressful decision making.”

The decision was refuted by the Society of Outlaw Discordian Scofflaws (SODS) in a note written on a torn piece of a brown paper bag that smelled of a stale substance that may or may not have contained some form of alcohol and passed to this reporter under the door of the stall in the men’s bathroom of a nearby thrift shop. In the note, SODS representatives decry the new law as “…very, very, very, very, silly.”

It’s this reporter’s opinion that the new law will be quite effective in swiftly bringing every no goodnik, dirty rotten scoundrel, rapscallion, ne’er do well, juvenile delinquent, bandit, con-man, scurvy-dog, whipper-snapper, crook, thug, murderer, and criminally insane deranged maniac in this great city to their knees and into the imposing presence of  our fair but tough justice system. So there it is.

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