Return to Hell’s Holes

Good news for extreme day-trippers: Hell’s Holes, the Gri’x’s most challenging adventure park, will open for business again this summer after a prolonged period of dormancy.

The park, which takes up a large swath of land between (and beneath) Tarnation County and Upper Alpigne, has long been undergoing major renovations in both layout and budget. The re-opening will see the return of all the classic attractions that made the place so popular, such as “Mine Cars of Terror,” “Psychos in the Basement,” and “The Floor Really Is Lava”. Enthusiasts of “danger-tainment” can look forward to new additions, as well. Most of the upcoming surprises have been kept under wraps, but one construction worker commented that “folks had just better bring they muddin’ boots and a ten-foot pole.”

Our Lady of the Perpetual Bleeding Heart Hospital and Re-spite Center is a major new partner in the revised Hell’s Holes funding and planning committee, having provided at least half of the capital required to put the park back in operation. Sister Willum Margaret, the hospital’s community damnation program coordinator, is hopeful for the future of the venue.

“Our Lady’s Hospital is excited about the prospect of bringing so many new patients into the fold,” she said, whapping this reporter sharply on the knuckles. “Medical missionaries will be available on location, every day, to tend to those wounded in both body and spirit. Now sit up straight, you nasty thing.”

While Hell’s Holes has occasionally been available over the past few years for private parties and particularly vocal Plus Members, it was closed to the public due to health and safety concerns ever since a GGAPEXB inspector found a cigarette butt in the employees’ bathroom sink.

The grand opening celebrations are to held concurrently with this year’s Squashage Fest. Hopeful guests are advised to get their tickets early if they don’t wish to participate in one of the anticipated new attractions, “Mad Rush.”

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