Watermelon Warrior Launches Lunch
GRI’X (GPI): Reports have been coming in from across the land about a well-dressed, unidentiﬁed winged man who ﬂies down from the sky and shoots watermelons from a bizarre hand-held contraption.
So far no injuries or damages have been reported, though the perpe-trator has inspired more than a few delicious and refreshing fruit salads, widely known to attract gnats.
The fruit ﬂinger’s motive is unclear. After pelting the place with pulp, he makes his getaway into the sky. Some eyewitnesses have reported hearing a strange “giggling” noise as the culprit ﬂies off.
He seems to be attracted to bright colors, shiny objects and movement. A bread company delivery driver (who spoke with this reporter only on condition of anonymity) claims her special purple delivery van, equipped with sirens and ﬂashers, was hit hundreds of times as she drove around and around the block, lost in a new subdevelopment.
“I didn’t know where I was. He just kept shooting my truck with fruit. I was screaming for him to stop, but he followed me everywhere I went. I’m glad our boss, Mr. Ruphdinkski, installed that Kevlar siding on the trucks ‘just in case’. It keeps the bread ﬂufﬁer, too.”
Not everyone is worried about the vegetation vigilante’s antics. Another eyewitness, who spoke with this reporter only on the condition that he be given a big bag of gummi worms, had this to say:
“I WANT ONE! I WANT ONE! I WAAAAAANNNNT OOONNNNEEE!!” He then danced from foot to foot and offered to pee on a passing schnauzer. “I bet I can spit farther than you, too,” he added.
If anyone has any information regarding the fruit ﬂyer, please do not contact the Gri’x Police Department, as they’ll be busy for the next few days rehearsing for the Tri-City Emergency Services Talent Show, in which they’ll be performing a science-ﬁction adaptation of Hubert’s classic musical, “A-Dingle in the Bin.”